Actual call centre conversations !!!!! :)

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- ------------ --------- ---------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared. '

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f *** ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !

GOOD ADVERTISEMENT LINES...

 

GOOD ADVERTISEMENT LINES :) thx to contributor..

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale....... cheap...........no strings attached.

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

--------

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..  Or Your Son Starts To Wipe it Off.

Sign In A Bar:
"Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !

Jaxtr - make free phone calls all over the world

tired of paying bills to ur mobile or land line service provider?

here is the alternative.. :) pls go n reigster ur fone.. i cant do that for u..

call me once u r done with it..

Free Phone

click here to call me on my mobile

call close to reality

adventures at Perhentian Islands

didnt tell u rite? last month we went to perhentian Islands.. hectic journey covered around 1000Km in a day.. was able to visit n passby the places that never went so far during this 3 n 1/2 years.. covered few states of malaysia by road n tasted different foods at different locations.. islands are beautiful.. worth travelling.. luckily got wonderful vegetarian food at the beach resorts.. thanks to TUNABAY (resorts).. other wise i wud ve died without food.. :) dont have much time to spend there, but on the whole its a nice experience to remember.. look at us how active we are even after the whole night car journey without sleep :) ofcourse.. still young rite??
sounds nice? why waiting?? browse for perhentian islands, plan ur trip n drop me a msg.. we go together.. :) what do u say??

dis friday night

hi all,

sorry for d gap.. wht to do? everyone of us will have some sort of disturbance in our life rite? :( i am not exceptional as well.. i too have one these days..
k, lets forget abt it, thats my problem..
..before starting new posts, lemme tell u few things about dis weekend.. its not d weekend so important but the places.. after couple of years, again this friday night n saturday i've really spent some time in kuala lumpur (KL).. not much difference from the last time.. guys, anybody coming to KL these days? if yes, n u wish to do some shopping, dis is d place i suggest.. but it doesn't mean that this is the place where u get the best prices.. there are many places where in certain place, u'll get certain items cheaper than compared to dis place.. but if u need a place of "all in one", no choice.. have to go here.. the place name is MidValley [A shopping centre with 430 shops on five floors located near Bangsar (i lived here earlier :)). Anchor tenants include Carrefour, Jusco, Metrojaya.], people say that one of our indian politician (andhra :)) have 40% share in this.. :) let him.. as we know, indians invest everywhere and they will involve in everything.. i cant sit n type everything here.. if really interested, pls go n visit this link for the details..
Midvalley.com.my
completed shopping?? now what?? hungry?? there r many to go n eat..KFC, MCD..many.. tired of eating at these places everyday?? ya, i know that u r thinking the same in ur mind.. wanna try at foodcourt near the movie mall??
try this only if you can sit in between hundreds of ppl crowded and then a nice flavour which u cant take it.. :), choice is urs if u wanna sit in the walkway.. where people will just walk very close to u.. ofcourse they will, why dont they do it when u sit in their walk way?? dont ask me.. then why the chairs are in the walk way?? may be midvalley's style..hahaha..i donno.. take care if somebody hit u while walking, the chicken piece u r eating may be on ur GF's head or the coffee that u r drinking may fall on her new T-Shirt which u bought her in ur last shopping.. :)same thing can happen to u if somebody hit her.. ( apart from this, odd mix of non veg, mixed smell of hundreds of perfumes.. donno what to say, u better feel it..)
dont worry, i got a place for u here, but please.. if u agree with me that u can adjust with vegetarian food for that time.. Indian style, Indian taste.. much to say.. a unique of its kind.. look at their caption "Eat what you want, Give as you Feel. we believe in you, we trust you". they will never charge you for what u ate, its up to u howmuch u want to pay.. i bet nobody will misue this after eating there.. need full details on where they r located world wide?? :) i know u all not like me, u all travel a lot.. ok, go here for full details. this is singapore annalakshmi website, u can get the other details here..
AnnaLakshmi Home
btw, this is one of the rare places where u can find a correct spelling for an indian name in malaysia.. any other place, i am sorry.. we will forget the actual spellings if we c theirs.. letchumi for lakshmi, mayantharan for mahendran, sathia or satiah of satya are few examples.. many to say .. :)..
ok, finished lunch?? (u'll get it only if u go in the right time.. ANNALAKSHMI is in the east side of midvalley ground floor.. land mark is next to police outpost in midvalley.. i think these details r enuf to find it, if not.. take ur time to search n explore on ur own.. ) now what?? wanna watch movie?? few theatres r inside u can watch d one u wish.. finished watching movie?? now what?? :) i hope u'll be with empty pockets by now.. go home n sleep then.. "NO MONEY..HOW ABT TOMORROW?? follow our regular policy.. TOMORROW WE THINK ABT TOMORROW.." a policy most of us follow rite?? :)

ladies and gentleman, dont forget to come and comment here abt ur experience in d above said places before u slp.. ok??.. thks for coming.. c u later..

concept greeting for fools day.. :)

sry, late submission.. :) use it for the next year..

courtesy: Big B

Donkeys deducted taxes.. :)

A little boy wanted Rs.500 very badly and prayed for weeks, But nothing happened.
Finally he decided to write a letter to GOD requesting the Rs.500 . When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "God, India", they decided to forward it to the Finance Minister of India as a joke. The Finance Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.200. The Finance Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.200, and decided to write a
thanking reply note to God, which reads:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Finance Ministry in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted
Rs.300 as taxes!"

courtesy: from a friend's mail

ONLY IN INDIA

Only In India .. to be Proud or not to be? :-)
ONLY IN INDIA
dont u feel its always better to learn drving in India?? I bet u cant do an accident if u r trained here.. :) enjoy..

3D browser.. a must try..

get used to use IE n Mozilla.. come lets go n try some wonderful browser now..
u know or not?? Its a 3D browser with some nice features inside.. so easy n nice to use, but i heard its an effort of 8 years.. dont wanna take ur time by expalining the features n all..make sure ur pc or notebook meets the required configuration b4 u install.. rest.. jus enjoy.. :)
download and install 3D browser
forgot 2 tell u.. it is some thing "CLOSE TO REALITY" :)

New Moms.. Do u know this?

Baby Talk Increases Vocabulary

A study showed that when mothers frequently spoke to their infants, their children learned about 300 more words by age two than did children whose mothers rarely spoke to them.

so, my dear new moms.. start talking if u want ur children to b smarter than d other children.. :) btw.. pls talk something which they can understand.. :) jus kidding.. i know u r good in that.. still sitting here??

Destroy Websites

feel like destroying my website or any other sites?? go here and start action..
few intersting ammunition, timebomb.. try to put multiple on the site, must have sound for better feeling of "CLOSE to REALITY" :) UFO multiple also nice to try.. Btw, Dont spoil my face, i am bit conscious about it...hahaha.. last but not the least, the caption of the site link where u r going to be is not my feeling.. :) dont 4get to read the caption.. enjoy..
Destroy Websites

graphology

interested in graphology like me? here are some basics.. sure will be interesting.. go n find ur characteristics.. :)

slant
Right slant indicates a response to communication, but not how it takes place. For example, the writer may wish to be friendly, manipulative, responsive, intrusive, to sell, to control, to be loving, supportive, just to name some possibilities.

If the handwriting is generally upright, this indicates independence.

A left slant tendency shows emotion and reserve. This writer needs to be true to self first and foremost and can be resentful if others try to push for more commitment from them.

size
Handwriting is made up of three zones - or cases - middle, upper and lower. A basic average measure - or benchmark - by which size can be judged is 3mm per zone. This gives a benchmark for a non-remarkable full height of 9mm. More than this is large; less than this is small.

Large size handwriting can mean extravert and outgoing, or it can mean that the writer puts on an act of confidence, although this behaviour might not be exhibited to strangers.

Small size can, logically, mean the opposite. Small size handwriting can also indicate a thinker and an academic, depending upon other features in the script.

If the writing is small and delicate, the writer is unlikely to be a good communicator with anyone other than those on their own particular wavelength. These people do not generally find it easy to break new ground socially.

pressure
Heavy pressure indicates commitment and taking things seriously, but if the pressure is excessively heavy, that writer gets very uptight at times and can react quickly to what they might see as criticism, even though none may have been intended. These writers react first and ask questions afterwards.

Light pressure shows sensitivity to atmosphere and empathy to people, but can also, if the pressure is uneven, show lack of vitality.

upper zone or case (as in l, t, h, etc)
Tall upper strokes are reaching towards goals and ambitions or, if they are very extended, there may be unrealistic expectations of what the person feels they must achieve.

If there are reasonably proportioned upper zone loops, this indicates someone who likes to think things through and use their imagination in a sensible way. Wider upper zone loops indicate more of a tendency to dream up ideas and mull them over.

If the up-stroke goes up and then returns on top of itself, the writer may be squeezing out imagination and keeping to the basic requirement of getting down to the job in hand.

lower zone (as in g, y, p, etc)
Lower loops are also varied and have different meanings.

For example a straight stroke shows impatience to get the job done.

A 'cradle' lower stroke suggests an avoidance of aggression and confrontation.

A full loop with heavy pressure indicates energy/money-making/sensuality possibilities, subject to correlation with other features.

A full lower loop with light pressure indicates a need or wish for security.

If there are many and varied shapes in the lower zone, the writer may feel unsettled and unfocused emotionally. Again the handwriting analyst would look for this to be indicated by other features in the script.

word spacing
The benchmark by which to judge wide or narrow spacing between words is the width of one letter of the person's handwriting.

Wide spaces between words are saying - 'give me breathing space'.

Narrow spaces between words indicate a wish to be with others, but such writers may also crowd people and be intrusive, notably if the writing lacks finesse.

line spacing
Handwriting samples are always best on unlined paper, and particularly for exhibiting line-spacing features.

Wide-spaced lines of handwriting show a wish to stand back and take a long view.

Closely spaced lines indicates that that the writer operates close to the action. For writers who do this and who have writing that is rather loose in structure, the discipline of having to keep cool under pressure brings out the best in them.

page margins
The sides of the page each have a meaning.

The left side margin shows the roots and beginnings/family.

The right side shows other people and the future.

The top is goals and ambitions.

The foot of the page shows energy, instincts and practicality.

Therefore margins are very informative.

If the writer has a wide left margin, the interest is in moving on. If it is narrow, caution and wanting to avoid being pushed before they are ready is indicated.

Narrow right margin shows impatience and eagerness to get out there and on with things.

Wide right margin shows that there may be some fear of the unknown.

middle zone or case (as in a, c, e, etc)
These middle zone shapes can give some particularly interesting information.

The middle zone in the script represents the ego - from it we get a lot of information as to how the writer feels and acts in public settings - what makes them tick socially and at work.

Some people's handwriting consists of only one single style, but many people will have a mixture of two handwriting styles or more.

Again this provides useful information.

All of these features have potentially positive and negative connotations; the analyst uses the flow and facility (ease, smoothness) of the script to infer a positive or negative interpretation.

arcade
This means that the middle zone of the writing is humped and rounded at the top like a series of arches. It is in the basic style of copy-book, though it is not taught in all schools. Writers who use this can be loyal, protective, independent, trustworthy and methodical, but negatively they can be secretive, stubborn and hypocritical when they choose. The most important characteristic is group solidarity against outsiders.

garland
Garland is like an inverted 'arcade' and is a people-orientated script. These writers make their m's, n's and h's in the opposite way to the arcade writer, like cups, or troughs, into which people can pour their troubles or just give information. The Garland writer enjoys being helpful and likes to be involved.

angle
Angled middle zone is the analytical style, the sharp points, rather than curves, give the impression of probing. The angle writer, is better employing talents at work and for business or project purposes, rather than nurturing, which is the strength of the garland writer.

As with any indicators of personality style, the interpretation doesn't mean that each writer needs to be categorised and prevented or dissuaded from spreading their talents and interests, but the analysis can helpfully show where the person's strengths can be best employed.

thread
Thread handwriting is like unravelled wool, waiting to be made up into something fresh. These writers are mentally alert and adaptable, but can also be elusive and lack patience. They are responders, rather than initiators. They can be very clever at drawing together strands of information and making something of them. Therefore they observe and bide their time, so that decisions are made at the most appropriate moment.

wavyline
Wavyline handwriting is often an amalgam of all or most of the other forms and is usually written by people who are mentally mature and skilful. It shows that they can call on a variety of responses, to suit the occasion and indicates good coping mechanisms. They are adaptable and resourceful.

These features and interpretations provide a small but useful guide as to the way people behave, and particularly how they handle their social requirements. Check your own handwriting against these pointers to see what you can learn or confirm about yourself, and see also how effective even just a few simple graphology techniques can be in revealing personality style.

Understanding the personality through handwriting is a valuable way of making the best of both personal awareness and interpersonal situations for the benefit of all concerned.

The aim in using graphology to analyse a person's handwriting must always be positive. The interpretation should enable people analysed to use the understanding gained, to help them live their lives to the highest level of satisfaction that they choose. In a professional or organizational context, graphology can play an important part in enabling working relationships to be forged that will enhance the quality of the group or team performance.

As a child you were taught to write, but it's not likely that you still write in the way you were taught. The fact that you don't helps to explain the reason graphology exists and why graphology can be used to interpret personality.

funny love quotes

"It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)

"Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield)

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)

"Splendid couple - slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra)

"My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)

"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)

"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)

"I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead)

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry 'Henny' Youngman)

funny quotes predictions

SOMEBODY REJECTED UR IDEAS? DONT WORRY.. THEY MIGHT BE THINKING LIKE THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE DID..

"Computers in the future will weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting advance of science, 1949.)

"I think there's a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.)

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." (Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.)

"But what is it good for?" (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the micro chip, 1968)

"There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home." (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977.)

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." (Western Union memo, 1876.)

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" (HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.)

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say that America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." (Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting the Mrs Fields Cookies business.)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." (Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)

"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible." (Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." (Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M PostIt Notepads.)

"So we went to Atari and said, 'We've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' They said 'No'. Then we went to Hewlett-Packard; they said, 'We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet'." (Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.)

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." (Drillers whom Edwin L Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil, 1859.)

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." (Irving Fisher, Economics professor, Yale University, 1929.)

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.)

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." (Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.)

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." (Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.)

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." (Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.)

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates of Microsoft, 1981.)

"Fred Astaire Can't act, can't sing, balding... Can dance a little." (MGM telent scout, 1928.)

"What can you do with a guy with ears like that?" (Jack Warner, movie mogul, rejecting Clark Gable, 1930.)

"You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." (Jim Denny of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, firing Elvis Presley after his first performance.)

"I'm sorry Mr Kipling, but you don't know how to use the English language." (Editor of the San Francisco Examiner, rejecting a short story from author and poet Rudyard Kipling.)

oneliner quick quotes

A Boss: Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early. (Unknown)

It's the kind or organisation where the lunatic fringe extends right to the centre. (unknown - for disorganized organizations everywhere)

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself.

Chinese proverb No1: Man who run in front of car get tired; man who run behind car get exhausted.

Chinese proverb No2: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

Bacon and Eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

HECK is where people go who don't believe in GOSH.

A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the memory.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

tribal wisdom :)

Tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians (so legend has it), passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.Buying a stronger whip.
2.Changing riders.
3.Giving horse and rider a good bollocking.
4.Re-structuring the dead horse's reward scale to contain a performance-related element.
5.Suspending the horse's access to the executive grassy meadow until performance targets are met.
6.Making the horse work late shifts and weekends.
7.Scrutising and clawing back a percentage of the horse's past 12 months expenses payments.
8.Appointing a committee to study the horse.
9.Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
10.Convening a dead horse productivity improvement workshop.
11.Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
12.Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
13.Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
14.Outsourcing the management of the dead horse.
15.Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
16.Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
17.Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
18.Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
19.Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And the highly effective...
20.Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

courtesy:businessballs

ambrose bierce quotes from "the devil's dictionary"

The Devil's Dictionary was written by American Ambrose Bierce around a hundred years ago, and was first published as 'The Cynic's Word Book' in 1906. It was reissued as 'The Devil's Dictionary' in 1911, and continues to be published today. Its humour and irony still shine. In fact many of its observations perhaps resonate more strongly now than when Bierce first made them. Here are some choice examples of Bierce's wit, and interestingly for a writer considered to be such a 'cynic', these quotes are also examples of a touching sensitivity. These quotes still serve, as when they were created, to remind us that whether a thing is a force for good or bad is largely decided by the human factor. This is an encouraging thought, since the implication of this is that we have it in our power to change bad into good. I think Bierce would have agreed.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (If you work for one of these be assured that there are more ethical and caring employers out there who would be more deserving of your efforts and loyalty.)

Duty: That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

Experience: The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

Famous: Conspicuously miserable.

Land: A part of the Earth's surface, considered as property.The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society...... Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living...... It follows that if the whole aea of terra firma (Earth) is owned by A, B and C, then there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. (How true, and how applicable today.)

Lecturer: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Overeat: To dine.

Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

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training cliches, maxims and funny sayings

Used by trainers and speakers, here are some maxims and sayings, with one or two new ideas and twists.

Dress code working-style indicators: jacket on = directing; jacket off = participating; trousers off = performing.

If you can't ride two horses at the same time you shouldn't be in the circus.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

If a=1%, b=2%, c= 3%, etc., what does 'attitude' add up to? ........ (work it out - the answer is 100%).

'Mushroom Management' - The practice of keeping people in the dark, and every now and then dumping a load of dirt on them. (See McGregor's X-Y Theory.)

'Wheelbarrow Management' or 'Wheelbarrow Culture' - people only work when pushed, and are easily upset (as described by certain managers, who probably have only themselves to blame...).

Tell'em what you're gonna tell'em, tell'em, tell'em what you told'em. (Training and presentations mnemonic for effective presentation or speaking structure, in other words: introduction, content points, summary.)

When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and Me.

There is no I in TEAM. (But if you look carefully there is a ME...)

No gain without pain.

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(funny) quotes,signs n graffiti from bars, public toilets and restrooms (allegedly)

There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't. (Ack J Kincaid and P Lewis)

There are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. (ack P Lewis)

Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot. (thanks MK)

RockShitFuckDie (graffiti on the wall of a male washroom in a pub, and someone's idea of the meaning of life, ack CJ)

Five out of four people can't do fractions.

I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's - ack TC)

Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's restroom graffiti, ack Tim Ryan)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's restroom)

To do is to be - Descartes, To be is to do - Voltaire, Do be do be do - Sinatra.

Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal)

You're too good for him. (Sign above a women's restroom mirror)

No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign above a men's restroom mirror)

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires (tyres) or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's restroom)

Beauty is only a light switch away.

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

Temporary notice on a public bar - "Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed."

---------------- hope u enjoyed some------- planning to open a bar or smthing... u can use some of the above.. :)

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